Mail order Armageddon.

This next piece is somewhat depressing, very cynical, extremely dark, and hopefully rather funny.

For those of you who worry about my mental health, don't worry, I keep it in a box in my closet.

Mail Order Armageddon

Are you feeling down? Depressed? Gloomy? Suicidal? Tired of life?

Well we have just what you need!

The end of the world as we know it, freeze dried, bottled, vacuum packed, made to order, biodegradable, closed captioned, polythermal,

and it comes in all sizes.

For the christians, muslims, and other assorted religions, we have the "divine wrath" model, you can choose from the "great flood #2" or the heavenly flame beta version.

Plus, call today and we'll throw in three tablets of hellfire and brimstone, absolutely free of charge! It's our way of saying thank you.

For the atheists we have the "church starts a new inquisition" line in which the world sinks into fearmongering and chaos,

complete with book burnings, stoning homosexuals, and public executions!

and for just a few extra dollars, you can get the all-inclusive package with the reinstitution of the templar order, and a leatherman multi-tool!

And you agnostics, don't think we're gonna leave you out of the fun!

For you we have some more specialized options, including the

"mayan gods turn out to exist and eat us all, the "christ comes back to earth and the planet dissolves into theological war" and the "Stephanie Meyer decides to write more sequels to Twilight".

And, because of our customer-oriented attitude, each of these products can be adjusted to suit your personal shortsightedness and prejudices!

For the more scientifically minded, the simple yet elegant "earth's orbit deteriorates and fall into the sun", is a must.

This model also comes with a thirteen and a half million year warranty, so it's an investment you will not regret making!

The other long term option we have is the, "humans drain earth of all resources, and are left with a lifeless rock".

Also included are your choice of "starvation" or "cannibalism".

Environmentalists may enjoy such products as the

"melting ice caps, second ice age, day after tomorrow", package, the "earth is baked into a crispy delight by global warming, or the more creative "plants become sentient and overgrow everything".

As well as the more affordable" freak monsoon, hurricane, tsunami, earthquake, tornado, warfare, or other natural disaster.

And while they most unfriendly to civilization, they are friendly to your pocketbook!

We are the Apocalypse Inc. and we hate humanity as much as you do.

For more information on any of our products, phone us at

1-800-we're-all-dead,

E-mail us at: lifeisworthlosing@apocalypse.com

Or check out our website at: www.tohellwiththepeople.com